Session 03 - The Bureau Eternal
TL;DR
The party was recruited by Knot-Doc Beru of the Weft Brothers to retrieve the stolen “Form of Forms” from the Bureau Eternal - a pocket dimension of infinite paperwork where getting “filed” means getting erased from existence. Armed with a brass key, a hand-drawn map, and an inexplicably angry duck, they boarded the Horny Swan with El Capitan, sailed through the blackness of weave space, and infiltrated the bureaucratic nightmare. Through forged documents, smoke illusions, and creative intimidation involving flint and steel, they reached the Apex Office and defeated the Correction Quill - a rogue High Auditor who planned to use the Form of Forms to “correct” all of reality. The multiverse’s contracts remain intact, and the party gained a bureaucratic immunity token for their troubles.
Cast (PCs)
- Na Mean - bard/fighter; acquired an angry duck of mysterious origin during carousing; made an enemy of Baron Grimsby through satirical song; the duck’s spokesperson and protector.
- Declan Rafferty - sailor and ship’s priest; haunted by a bard doppelganger who stole his secrets; banned from the Salty Wench forever; surprisingly good at tying up sentient parchment.
- Imed - human ranger; woke up in a bear cave after carousing; now has wolfsbane braided into his hair; tragically cannot hit the broad side of a barn with his longbow.
- Snagmas - half-orc pit fighter; has a mysterious treasure map tattooed on his thigh; woke up in a princess dress; delivers killing blows with devastating one-liners.
- Eirik Blodoy - human Norse seer; blood-red eye; casts spells by biting his tongue and smearing blood on allies’ foreheads; nearly got “unfiled” from existence.
- Lily “Cunt” - goblin witch; smells like bird poop; has a magpie familiar named Maurice who is actually the brains of the operation; spent most of combat hiding behind statues.
Setting & Vibe
- Location: The Bureau Eternal - a pocket dimension of pure bureaucracy where every signed form in every dimension gets filed. Infinite stacks of filing cabinets, sentient parchment workers, and paper airplane communications.
- The smell of old library, the constant rustling of forms, and the ever-present threat of AUDITORS in all caps.
- Rules of the Bureau: Everything must be documented. Silence is valued. Undocumented actions attract auditors. Fire alarms are everywhere (it’s all paper, after all).
Carousing Results: The Morning After
Na Mean’s Ballad of the Bastard Baron
Na Mean performed a seven-verse masterpiece mocking Baron Grimsby (“His mother was a goat, his father was a boot, and that’s why Baron Grimsby smells like wet fruit”). A bard named Melisandre bought him drinks all night and left a note: “You’ve made a powerful enemy in Baron Grimsby. You’ve also made a friend in me.”
Gained: 4 XP, 20 coppers, famous bard ally (Melisandre), one angry duck of mysterious origin Lost: Baron Grimsby’s goodwill (forever)
Declan’s Confession
Started a massive tavern brawl after someone called his sword “compensatory.” Met a bard who looks exactly like him claiming to be his brother. Confessed personal secrets. The bard wrote it all down.
Gained: 3 XP, a bent silver flute, a problematic doppelganger with his secrets Lost: 10% of wealth, access to the Salty Wench (banned forever)
Imed’s Bare Necessities
Also threw punches in the brawl. A barmaid named Rella helped him escape to a cave. Woke up cuddling with a bear. Found wolfsbane braided into his hair.
Gained: 3 XP, wolfsbane in hair, Rella’s respect Lost: 10% of wealth, access to the Salty Wench (banned forever)
Snagmas and the Mystery of the Thigh
Gave most of his money to a suspiciously convincing priest named Brother Aldrich. Attended theater at the Velvet Curtain. Replaced a city watchman’s boots with bread loaves. Woke up in a princess costume with a fresh tattoo.
Gained: 3 XP, priest ally (Brother Aldrich), mysterious treasure map tattooed on thigh Lost: 10% of wealth, dignity, any memory of how he got the tattoo
The Mission: Steal Back the Form of Forms
The Briefing
Knot-Dok Beru of the Weft Brothers arrived at breakfast, visibly nervous. Someone stole the Form of Forms from the Bureau Eternal three days ago - the template document from which all binding contracts derive their power. If the thief figures out how to use it, they could rewrite any contract, including:
- The binding that keeps the Shuttle woven into the city
- Treaties keeping the seams stable
- The party’s Edgerunner licenses
She provided:
- A brass key to the maintenance hatch
- A hand-drawn map
- Passage on the Horny Swan
- The contact: Scrivener Inkblot
The Duck Speaks (Sort Of)
When Lily (who speaks Quack) tried to communicate with the duck, Maurice the magpie translated one word: “Soul.” The duck then burped, and everyone heard: “I want its internal soul.” Then it went back to being just a duck.
The Journey: Sailing the Hunger Tide
El Capitan and the Horny Swan
The party boarded a beautiful two-masted weave ship with purple arcane thrusters. El Capitan - wooden leg, eye patch, exceptional golden hair - had been sailing the weaves for 20 years after arriving in the city involuntarily.
“Oi, cunt. Nice to meet you.” “Back from where I came from, that’s actually a lovingly word.”
Declan impressed the captain with his nautical knowledge. Lily held Na Mean’s hand for comfort. The duck joined Na Mean at the prow for a stoic Viking pose moment.
The Blackness
Four hours into the journey, the weave just… stopped. The crew lit purple candles that bathed the ship in lavender smoke, and they entered “the blackness” - absolute void where you can’t even see your own hand. One hour of raw-dogging through nothingness later, they emerged near the maintenance hatch.
The Bureau Eternal: Infinite Paperwork
Entry Level
A golden latch floating in the middle of nowhere opened to reveal halls of paper, filing cabinets, and sentient parchment workers with cartoon-drawn legs and angry eyes. Maurice the magpie smooth-talked the guards:
“We had an appointment with Scrivener Inkblot, an old mate of mine.”
Lily created a forged document via illusion (rolled a 20). The guards were skeptical but passed them through with 45 minutes on the clock.
Meeting Scrivener Inkblot
An elderly piece of parchment jogged toward them like an old person. He provided guest passes and intel:
- The Form of Forms was stolen from Section 7 Alpha (restricted archives)
- The thief is still in the Bureau
- Guards are “stupid parchment”
- Under no circumstances light a fire - auditors would come
- If you see an auditor, run
The Stacks
An unfathomable shaft of stairs rotating around walls, with filed papers all the way up and a drop into black nothingness in the middle. After 20 minutes of climbing, they reached the stacks - filing cabinets taller than ships, forms drifting between rows like an ocean of paper.
The Elevator Incident
Three parchment guards blocked the elevator to the restricted archives. The party tried:
- Sending the duck (it just stood there angrily)
- Creating smoke illusion via Maurice (success!)
Two guards ran toward the “fire.” The third ran for the fire alarm. Chaos ensued:
- Declan’s grappling hook missed (snake eyes with advantage)
- Na Mean tackled the guard (success!)
- Imed tried to help (critical failure, ended up under the paper)
- Declan tied it up with rope (after using luck token)
They escaped into the elevator just as an AUDITOR appeared - a huge piece of parchment with a quill head, folded into robes, looking extremely evil.
The Restricted Archives
Section 7 Alpha
The brass door to where the Form of Forms was kept had been forcibly ripped open. Snagmas noticed traces of correction fluid - the same stuff auditors carry. Inside job confirmed.
A torn requisition form for “Apex Access” was found - approved but destroyed. The thief was heading to the High Auditor’s office at the top.
The Great Forgery
Maurice wrote an impeccable Apex access request with his own tail feather. Declan tried to transfer the seal:
- First attempt: Critical failure (seal half off the paper)
- Used correction fluid to erase
- Second attempt: Another critical failure (but used luck token to salvage)
The seal looked like a crayon drawing by a child, but it was technically on the paper.
Bluffing the Guards
The guards caught up. Lily presented the shoddy document:
“This seems kind of crudely made.” “That was my shoddy work, Master! Please do not spank me!” “The parchment does not spank.”
The guards decided this was above their pay grade.
Boss Fight: The Correction Quill
The Apex Office
An enormous office with impossible geometry - the ceiling opened into folding space fabric. Behind a desk twice Declan’s height floated the Form of Forms, beautiful and sealed with gold thread.
The Correction Quill stood nearby - a dark-hooded auditor with an ink pen core, his voice like thousands of stamps:
“You are not filed. You are not authorized. You are interrupting the great correction. Soon all will be properly filed. All contracts will serve order. All chaos will be corrected.”
Na Mean to the duck: “This one’s a proper fucking cunt, isn’t he?”
The Battle
Round 1: The Correction Quill summoned a patrol form minion. Na Mean one-shot it while enraged (thanks to Eirik’s Invoke Rage spell).
Round 2: Eirik taunted “Not if I correct you first, bitch!” - accidentally triggering the Quill’s paradox vulnerability (sensing logical contradictions causes it to freeze). One round of free attacks!
Key Moments:
- Snagmas threw a javelin through the Quill’s ink pen feather (Nat 20)
- Eirik: “Zero times zero is four!” (6 damage through sheer mathematical wrongness)
- The Correction Quill sprayed correction fluid (4 damage cone, disadvantage on attacks)
- Eirik got “unfiled” to 0 HP (saved by Charisma roll of exactly 14)
The Killing Blow: Snagmas, covered in correction fluid and enraged, drove his spear through the Quill:
“You’re not even worth a footnote, motherfucker.”
Aftermath & Rewards
Mission Complete
The Form of Forms was recovered. El Capitan ferried them safely home. Not-DoKn Beru bumped the payment to 100 scrip for the expanded team.
Rewards
| Reward | Details |
|---|---|
| Base Payment | 100 gold/scrip (split among party) |
| Rare Inks & Papers | 35 gold value |
| Reputation | +2 with the Weft Brothers |
Special Items
- Bureaucratic Immunity Token (party): One-time use - any official document is automatically valid, any contract temporarily unenforceable
- Correction Quill’s Correction Fluid (1 vial): Unknown effects
- Correction Quill’s Brass Quill Tip: Salvaged by Declan, official-looking
- 2 Unidentified Potions: Found on the Apex desk
- Pouch of Weird Radish: Identified by Imed’s herbalism
XP
| Reward Category | Details | XP Value (per Player) |
|---|---|---|
| Base Payment + Rare Materials | 100 scrip + 35 scrip inks/papers | 1 XP |
| Bureaucratic Immunity Token | One-time legal/magical boon | 1 XP |
| Magical Potions | 2 unidentified magical potions | 1 XP |
| Pouch of Weird Radish | Magical consumable | 1 XP |
| Salvaged Items + Reputation/Notes | Correction Fluid Vial, Brass Quill Tip, Quill Notes, +2 Weft Brothers | 0 XP |
| Total XP Award | - | 4 XP each |
NPCs & Organizations
New NPCs
- El Capitan - Experienced weave ship captain of the Horny Swan; wooden leg, eye patch, golden hair; arrived in the city involuntarily 20 years ago; first mate is Cassandra.
- Scrivener Inkblot - Elderly parchment worker in the Bureau Eternal; Weft Brothers contact; provided guest passes and directions.
- The Correction Quill - Rogue High Auditor who stole the Form of Forms to “correct” all of reality; believed he was doing good; now very dead.
- Melisandre - Traveling bard who befriended Na Mean; owes him a favor.
- Brother Aldrich - Suspiciously convincing priest of the “Temple of Coin and Comfort”; now owes Snagmas protection.
- Rella - Barmaid at the Salty Wench; helped Imed escape; respects a good brawler.
- “Declan the Bard” - Mysterious doppelganger who looks exactly like Declan and now has his secrets.
The Angry Duck
Still following Na Mean. Still angry. Apparently wants someone’s “internal soul.” Cannot be understood except for burp-translations.
Na Mean and the Duck: A Developing Relationship
Throughout the session, Na Mean attempted to communicate with and motivate his angry duck companion, with mixed results:
On the Ship (Departure):
Lifts duck onto railing, face to face “All right duck, now listen. You enjoy the view, but be aware - if you fall off this ship, no one’s coming after you.” Quack The duck immediately jumped down and joined Na Mean’s stoic Viking pose at the prow
At the Maintenance Hatch:
Lifts duck onto railing again “All right duck, we’re here. Last chance. You can stay on the ship where it’s nice and safe, or you can come with us on this grand adventure.” Quack “So you’re in. Let’s go.”
At the Bureau Entry (trying to pass the guards):
Gets down on one knee, uses shield to hide the conversation “Now would be a good time for you to do something. Just, you know…” The duck stares with fire in its eyes. The guard lets them pass.
At the Elevator (needing a distraction):
Kneels behind shield “All right duck, we need a little bit more of your duck magic. You go up there and convince those guys to let us through or get them out of the way for us, would you?” The duck turns and stares angrily at the guards Its small duck feet go pitter-patter Nothing happens “Is that it? Is that all you got?”
Confronting the Correction Quill:
Looks down at duck “This one’s a proper fucking cunt, isn’t he?” Quack, quack “Let’s take out the trash. Or should I say… the recycling?”
Charging into Battle:
“Duck with me!” They charge together “You’re getting your ducks in a row!”
Mid-Combat (after the duck does nothing):
“Stop embarrassing yourself. Get in the fight.” Duck continues doing nothing
After Getting Hit by Correction Fluid:
Covers duck with shield “DUCK!” Looks at duck afterwards “Seriously, get your shit together.”
The duck’s combat contributions remain… unclear. But it’s very good at stoic poses and angry staring.
Lingering Threads
Immediate
- Return Carla’s lantern (Na Mean wouldn’t remember, but the party does)
- Count Valdris’s 851st birthday still coming up - need 851 candles and a cake
- Two unidentified potions to identify
- Weird radish purpose unknown
Long-term Mysteries
- What does the duck actually want? Whose soul?
- Who is “Declan the Bard” really? What secrets did real Declan reveal?
- What’s the treasure map on Snagmas’s thigh lead to?
- Baron Grimsby is now an enemy - will he seek revenge?
- The Undoers from Session 1 still unexplained
Quotes of the Session
“I want its internal soul.” (The duck, via burp)
“You forgot your cover letters on your TPS reports.” (Na Mean, attacking the Correction Quill)
“Not if I correct you first, bitch.” (Eirik, accidentally triggering the boss’s paradox vulnerability)
“Please do not spank me, Master!” “The parchment does not spank.” (Lily and a very confused guard)
“You’re not even worth a footnote, motherfucker.” (Snagmas, delivering the killing blow)
“File this one in the circular file.” (Na Mean, trying to make a trash joke)
“Back from where I came from, that’s actually a lovingly word. Cunt.” (Lily, explaining Australian linguistics)